Even wallflowers get a taste of being a main character

On “The perks of being a wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky and my own recent ‘main character experience’.

I am no main character, but every character has its ‘main character experiences’ where we get to taste—at least a little—of what actually being one might be like. I had one of those ‘main character experiences’ about a fortnight ago. Even though I am aware everyone has different depictions on how a ‘main character’ is supposed to be, this experience is a perfect example for how I would want my main character to live.

As for the ‘experience’ itself. I lay down on my balcony—its concrete clothed with my mum’s new, cheap and honestly lovely ‘persian’ rug—with the well-known coming of age story: The perks of being a wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. While I was reading this impactful book, I was listening to music. I listened to Radiohead’s emotional rasps contrasting Jeff Buckley’s desperate whines. Both made my skin shudder from their respective charm, they made me want to levitate, until I could no longer hear the cars down below, or my neighbours’ loud, drunken laughter; they made me want to levitate until I could just be. Just me, these both in their own way hurt voices…and my book.

A book I totally recommend to someone who might feel alone trying to navigate the confusing world that is highschool, or to anyone who feels like they see more than they are seen themselves. I also recommend this to people who are unable to understand what they are feeling most of the time. This is something I personally have a lot of experience with. My guess is that it is the result of suppressing them for the better part of my life, but who am I right?

“I feel infinite” ~ Charlie

The perks of being a wallflower — 2012

But back to my cozy, little balcony. So I’m reading and slowly but surely as the sun is starting to set I can’t read the words anymore, though the stars finally stop hiding in the light—at last not afraid for their beauty to be seen. Although they are bright and beautiful, they are small, and not the best reading light—I can confirm! I got myself a proper reading light and resumed reading, taking small breaks to look at the constellations pinned above me. Constellations that have been stuck in the sky for thousands of years; a constant in the never ending evolution of our world. Ever since she existed they have been watching over her; over us. Lying there I felt safe; protected by the stars. The pinned constellations covering me like a warm blanket during a freezing night. I felt safe and like it was okay to be myself and nothing but.

Eventually I left my balcony having finished The perks of being a wallflower and absolutely gutted by it. Although I was gutted, I was also confused. Confused because of all the rollercoasters of emotion Charlie went through (and because my memory might be deficient so reading a book without major plot points, instead focusing on lessons is challenging for me!) However, I refuse to stay confused by a book that is so meaningful, therefore I have decided I will reread and reread it until I have utterly and completely understood it.

Besides wanting to understand it, I also want to grow from it as a person. I want to learn about emotions in general as well as my own—since as I have earlier stated I’m no good with them. But by allowing myself to feel things, things even as small as the raw emotion in the songs I listen to, by watching the people around me navigate through their life and their struggles, and by doing this especially—by writing it down; by tainting pages with my thoughts. I’ll not only feel infinite; I’ll be infinite.

Keep swimming,

From the other side of the fishbowl.

Ps: My dad randomly bought me a typewriter and I love it sm!

Psps: I initially was not going to post this, but a dear friend of mine and dare I say my biggest supporter (you know EXACTLY who you are) convinced me, so I hope you enjoyed it!